Shame is NOT the name of the game...

Do you ever walk around somewhere and feel like you have this bubble at the top of your head stating all your flaws? So big that people walking right passed you are shaming you, and labeling you? What is it about this labeling game that we all like to play? It's like you tell one person something about you and they disagree or tell you a million reasons why your wrong or shouldn't do something. You see every time we share our story with the wrong person and you leave feeling even more alone, your walk of shame just gets longer and longer. We all do it to people! I'll never forget the day I felt like I was walking and holding a "divorce sign" on my forehead. If you remember in my last post I shared that church has always felt like a safe haven, a peaceful place. Well for once in my life I felt like I was walking into a building named shame. I get it... it could have been my own insecurities, but when you haven't seen familiar faces in a while and you purposely disappeared for a bit, all of a sudden they are reading my big sign above my head, my story, the "oh my gosh can you believe?" I remember walking with my six children dropping each one of them into their classrooms before I sat and heard the sermon. My conversations as I walked into each classroom felt like I needed to explain why their father wasn't here along side of me. After all, weren't we the "perfect church going family" If it's one thing I've learned through this process is everyone walking into church is seeking hope, love, guidance. Do not for a second think that the beautiful looking family walking into church has it all together. Everyone is just trying their best to live a life worth living. After dropping every child into their class all I could feel were the stares... some knowing the story through others, some just looking with curious eyes at me and others just coming up to me and hugging me so tight, I felt like they were trying to squeeze the shame out! As I continue walking all I could feel was wet tears running down my face, the saltiness going into my mouth. I couldn't pin point my feelings... was I crying because it felt free for people to except my new life or was it that I felt like God was welcoming me into his house as His daughter again. You see for months, I felt like I couldn't even pray, what do I ask him? "Help me to want to stay in this marriage, (when I knew I didn't want to) or give me the strength to know you except me for me even if I choose to leave." Those weren't easy prayers because I knew biblically God didn't like divorce. So not only did I feel shame from those around me, I felt shame from the Lord. This shame game is just ugly, it is just walking around waiting for you to drink and sit with your pain. Why do we do it to each other? Why can't we just accept others and their flaws, their stories for what they are? Do you know what this world would be like if we just sat with the broken more and told them, "its okay you're not alone," instead of giving them this look like "what is she thinking?" I get it, it's hard to confess that we once felt the same way or we wish we had the strength to tell our story too. Here is the beauty of being vulnerable and telling your story, it will FREE you from the quest of perfection! That perfection walk is exhausting and it brings you into the shame game even more. What does she mean by shame? Oh you know what I'm talking about... let me remind you! Shame is that painful feeling that you are unworthy and feel not accepted by your flaws and who you are. Shame is still feeling down about what your mother thinks about you, shame is feeling rejected for not knowing something in a room where everyone else seems to know what they are talking about, shame is that ugly feeling in your stomach that you won't dare talk about because then everyone would know your secrets.  Get it now? I thought so! We all have it. Here is what I learned after going to church that day, there will always be people who can't understand your decisions, who don't have the right words, who can only walk by and say nothing... that is okay! Not everyone is worthy of hearing your story and what happened. Remember what I said, if you share with the wrong people, you will end up digging the shame whole deeper and deeper like an open wound. I've learned that the people who come to you with compassion and love and want to sit with you and ask how they can be there, how they can pray for you, even more those that say "me too!" Those two words are so powerful! They tell you... "its okay to open up, I am not alone, they tell you those are your people" I left that day very numb, numb because I just didn't know what I felt at the time. Growing up in church was so pleasant for me, and don't get me wrong, it still is!!!!! That day was just different for me, it was for the first time I was labeled as the divorced woman with six kids. After sitting with that for a couple of days, I knew that was the phrase I would have to get use to. Writing here as a divorced woman doesn't mean that is what defines me, here is what it means... my story just changed, it means God already knew this would be a part of my story. It just means that I am learning to do life one day at a time. 

So when I say shame is NOT the name of the game... it isn't, shame is fear. Fear of what we think we should be, who we think we should be and how we should be. LET GO of it. Whatever you are going through, whatever you did go through, whatever is still haunting the core of your heart, just let it go. Don't let shame be the name of the game. I promise you, it will free you. Have compassion for others, sit with people and tell them what you have gone through, you would be surprised how freeing that is to people. To not feel alone, to not think "I thought it was just me" 

It is time we stop this silence epidemic, its time we quit chasing perfection, time to stop the bullying, the picking, the judging, and let people have the freedom to live in courage by sharing their shame and not feeling alone. So the next time my kids and I walk into a place, know I am walking in faith, walking fearless, walking with my head held high because I have the courage to be brave and let me story unfold itself just the way God has planned.