Is "we just grew apart" good enough?

Here I am..thirty two years old and I find myself in a place where I am learning everyday to live this life in a fearless and courageous way. Isn't it something? How as a child we grow up imagining what our adult life will be like? I remember being thirteen and hanging to God, after all he felt safe and church felt safe! When I say safe, I meant it was peaceful, quiet, and it gave me hope. I was raised in a loving Mexican home, with the smell of chili always cooking, two other siblings, and two parents who were going through their own struggles as individuals. As much as I never doubted my parents loved me, my childhood left me questioning... is this Love? One thing my parents did well was parent. Although they had their issues and it did stir up my innocent mind, I now know as an adult they did the best they could with what was thrown at them. Isn't that what we thrive to do? Wake up everyday doing the best we can? As I slowly unfold my story of how I am currently sitting here taking care of six children, how I ended up leaving a marriage of thirteen years and how I am learning to co-parent with their father. How I am getting use to this word "divorce" that now comes out of my mouth often. Getting here wasn't easy, there have been a lot of feelings since the beginning of the year when I said, "this is it, I can't do this anymore." Do you know how many times I told myself that? It was just a thought that sat there in the park bench of my mind though. I mean how could I get up and leave a marriage everyone thought was functioning and even more... the person I had six kids with. Here is what I know now that I have had time to process my thoughts, God knew he was suppose to be in my life for the beginning years of my adult life, we were meant to cross paths as teens, he knew we would build a huge family. God trusted me that much to give me six. We easily had child after child, some planned, some given as blessings. As time went on I had to sit with my feelings that what we were both about to endure was going to be a great storm. I felt like I child who comes to their parent with a shame face because they know they have done something that is going to get them in trouble. To share with my parents that I was choosing to leave my marriage after much turmoil, was the hardest thing. Let alone to fully get up and stick to my guns that I just wasn't happy and no one was going to change my decision. You see, no one lives behind your closed door, no one truly knows the person you are married too. Yes, this was a mutual decision that took a lot of painful and hurtful months of getting over...................I've tried to many times to come up with an explanation for what happened. After all, that was the first question that came out of everyone's mouth. "What do you mean? Are you sure? But you have six kids? Its just a bad season Jess" Here is the simple truth, We grew apart, we are two completely different people, and we didn't make each other happy. Yup, I said it, so cliche right? It's the truth! Call it lame, call it vague, its the truth. I couldn't see myself growing old with someone I was always going against the grain with, I didn't have it in me to continue wanting a teammate and feeling like I was doing this alone, feeling like I had no connection with the person who was suppose to be my forever? So there wasn't this dramatic part of the story, this huge "OMG" moment. We both knew we were sitting in a house as strangers trying to raise six kids. Did you try counseling? Did you try? Aren't these the first questions your friends and family ask? Well we did attempt counseling for a bit, and did I try...? The simple truth is I felt this way for years, I can't speak for him, but I knew in my heart it was just a matter of time before I couldn't continue doing something my heart was not in. My other view is that two people have to be willing to try, if only one person is in it, then what is the point? So there is no huge explanation for what happened, there are many things that accumulated to our decision; but in the end we both decided to free ourselves and raise six kids in separate homes. Coming from the childhood we both had, I know I did not want to "stay for the kids." I was told that growing up and it just left me confused... you mean we have to sit here and watch you two destroy each other? The day I decided to leave, I told myself I would never stay for the kids. I don't have to be a wife to be a happy mom. The simple truth was, I found myself in a bad mood, angry, resentful because I was still there. I was letting it happen to me, I was swallowing up my feelings for the sake of other people, my family, my friends, what people would say or think. So when I say stepping out of fear and my comfort zone this year was huge for me, it was! I boldly decided I was going to leave and work on myself and focus on my kids. This doesn't mean I don't respect him as a person. He is the father of  my six children and I will always appreciate the person he is and the memories we made together. There you have it, the reason why our marriage ended. Everyday is a learning process through this time, making sure our children are taking care of emotionally. As of now that is our priority, for them to know that they have two active parents still in their lives regardless if we live separately. Here is what I battled with in my heart for months in the beginning of the year... Is God going to hate me? Did I just give up? Am I going to screw my kids up? Does God still have a plan for me? I know this much for now. God is a loving God and he has been there every moment, I gave what I thought was my all through those years, my kids will always have me in their life and my priority is them everyday. God most definitely has a plan for me. He is still molding me and this is what was suppose to be apart of MY STORY...  So when I say we just grew apart, people have to accept the fact that it simply happens. It doesn't make us bad people, it doesn't make me a selfish woman, it simply is what it is. Life moves on...